Posted by: lifeofstupid | October 9, 2007

Subs looking for doms looking for subs looking…

A common question you see on fetish forums is from subs asking how they attract doms. I use dom as a gender neutral term here but really you see male subs looking for female dommes more often then anything else.

The question you see is “How do I attract a mistress?”

The short answer is you don’t. They attract you and you have to approach them. What you do is show them that you appreciate their appearance, style and all the surface things you think will offend them (but do be respectful, they hate it when you’re not) and that you’re interested in their thoughts and feelings. Frankly if you’re not interested in that then just leave them alone and find someone you are interested in. Women, for what ever reason, nature or nurture, don’t seek men out generally speaking and dominant women are women too. They want to attract you, so go with it. Don’t hide yourself behind a bunch of prose and waxing on female superiority or whatever else you think will attract a dominant woman. All you’ll do is tell them you’d settle for anyone. They want to stand out so let them know they have and tell them why. Even doms need validation for their efforts.

Now, for you doms out there I’m going to let you in on something that most subs don’t recognize about themselves. Subs don’t like to assert themselves. They aren’t comfortable asserting their attraction and interest and they really wish you would do it. Not very deep down every sub wishes he’d be swept off his feet by a controlling dominant woman who will take care of him. They want you to be their Ozzie and they want to be your Harriet. So when they stammer and write you stupid messages, or seem to say the wrong things, show a little kindness and keep in mind that they’re out of their comfort zone and have been wrestling with not fitting the gender role of being confident and assertive and that their doing it all for you.

Now, subs, here’s what you do. You find a dom you’re actually interested in and you don’t write them unless you can do the following. Begin by introducing and briefly describing yourself. Tell them what attracted you to them. Include a list of interests you share. Let them know why you decided to write them. If you’re nervous about being to assertive or disrespectful let them know but tell them if you find them attractive and why. Again, be polite and don’t assume to much about them. This is how you get to know them so don’t presume you already do.

Now when they write back keep in mind that doms will make a lot of mistakes here. So forgive them easily and use the opportunity to ask them more about them selves and tell them more about yourself.

Doms, I’ve found that you often make mistakes when you respond. I see the question “How do I find a good sub?” pretty often too so I know it’s a mutual dilemma. The first response I get from a dom is almost always either very very short and just completely uninviting, yet asks me to write them more so it feels like I’m talking to myself or it’s extremely presumptuous and they assume I’m exactly what they think every sub is. My feelings are that I will respond in length no matter how terse or presumptuous they were and put a sincere effort forward. But that’s it. After that if they write me short messages or those that have nothing of substance then they’re showing me they’re not interested or not interesting and while I will respond to them, a courtesy not returned, I will only put in as little or as much effort as they will.

Subs and doms, where you both fail is that you won’t put yourselves out there.  You need to make the effort, take time to write meaningful messages and be yourself.  Some subs will scoff at a dom if they seem relaxed or not in character and similarly doms will question a sub when they seem too forward.  Be yourself and don’t worry about it.  You’ll find more success and better people this way.


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